We're Baaaaaaaaackkkk.

Q:

How do you make an advice column successful?

A:

Don't post on it for months of course! That's the sign of some great advice! Then, when it's time to come back, post a rhetorical question to drum up new business! In an obnoxiously-sized font! And make it crowded and hard to read! Then come up with a lame excuse! With bullet points! And exclamation points!!! BAD ADVICE WAS ON HIATUS LIKE AN 80s HAIR BAND FOR REASONS LIKE:

• Bad Advice is like a bear, except it's a sweaty bear that hibernates over the summer months and part of the fall

• Bad Advice couldn't stand to answer questions while getting its tan on

• Between May and today, there was far too much consideration going into its Halloween costume

• Why dole out advice when there were Miley Cyrus music videos that needed watching?

• Bad Advice is easily distra--

Anywho, Bad Advice is back, with all new questions, look and feel, twitter, and fun stuff like VIDEO RESPONSES starting...

MONDAY OCTOBER 25TH! SOON!

Want to get in on the action? Midterms? Halloween? Raking? Activia? Whatever! Submit your question to dearbad.advice@gmail.com and you could see your answer here! 

It all starts October 25th soon, text Grandma,

Benjabad Advice

Flowers Fit for Cinco de Mayo (777.7)

Q:

Benjamin,

I love weeds!  Those fake morning glories that are not actual morning glories, dandelions etc...How can I make peace with the dirty stares of my neighbors?

-- A Blooming Reader

A:

A Pleasant Early May to You, Bloomin'!

Seems you have yourself in not so "dandy" of a situation! (Get it? Dandelions... I'm sorry, but that pun was fresh out of the oven). You, ma'am, are my arch nemesis. I cannot explain to you how many summers my mother and I scoff at neighbors like you... letting your weeds run free... watering nothing but crabgrass... you probably have dogs that you let poop on God's green Earth... just thinking about it makes my shrubbery shrink with disgust.

Alas, I am a public servant.

I will advise you, but know this: one who finds beauty in dandelion and thistle will also find comfort in the fires of Hell. Did that come across too strong? BECAUSE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO.

As I do not see it possible nor feasible in the near future to brainwash your neighbors into enjoying your flowery foreigners, we shall explore a different path. A path of utter unrighteousness... a path of deceit and debauchery... a path that is most likely... ridden with weeds.

Let's assume the dirty looks you incur are from the lawn-caring neighbors such as myself. They cut their grass weekly, sprinkler the lawn, plant luscious flowerbeds, dream up envious pots of foliage, and beautify the neighborhood with new trees, all while meticulously making sure everything stays hydrated and healthy.

Then there's you, garnering these looks as you stand amongst knee high grass, and your army of dandelions.

So, your only option: retaliation. You must sabotage your neighbors in hopes of getting the attention off of you, and onto them. Have you ever wondered who comes up with those awful ideas for horror movies like SAW? Well, I am like the awful thinker for thigs to do to a lawn. I'm also realizing this metaphor only extends through the first option... after that, it's not that mean or awful.

I'll share three of my favorites.

1) Fill water balloons with Roundup and BOMB'S AWAY.

Best done in the middle of the night, a few strategically placed Roundup Balloons can have a lawn sickly and brown by morning. This will immediately avert the stares from you, to their own lawn. Watch that grass burn you suckers, watch that grass burn.

2) Stare back. Like a I'm-in-second-grade-and-I'd-rather-my-eyes-go-dry-and-fall-out-than-lose-this-staring-contest. I can guarantee by the second or third time you start staring back, your neighbors won't look toward you, your home's, or your garden's direction for the remainder of the time when thing's planted, prosper. Then during the winter, you're probably just the crazy person that doesn't shovel either!

3) [COLUMNIST'S CHOICE] Plant marigolds amongst all the dandelions. Then exclaim to your neighbors "DON'T YOU KNOW BABY MARIGOLDS WHEN YOU SEE THEM!"

That #3 is a real gem.

So, go for the gold I say, or should I say go for the marigold?

Benjamin D.

777.6 Drinking and Pregnancy, Unrelated

Seriously?

Q:

Dear Self,

What do you do, when you promise seven posts, in seven days, and then promise seven times the fun -- but then abandon it after DAY 5? With only two days left?

Shamefully,

Yourself.

A: 

Hi... Self.

How do you let down readers? By breaking promises of course! Normally, I'd suggest breaking promises after you've made them, but you've seemed to have done that all on your own. The only thing I can say is to grovel, and ask for forgiveness. Write the damn two posts that you didn't complete. Then, grow a unibrow. Why? I don't know, but I just looked at you in the mirror, and seriously? Have you heard of plucking?

Go write the posts. You know which questions you're going to answer, stop being such a lazy lard and get to it.

And while you're at it --

Lay off of the Justin Bieber.

Yours  Yourself,

Benjamin

777.5 Martha Stewart's Got Problems

Q:

777.4 More Fiber Talk Anyone?

Q:

hello ben.

What should I have for breakfast tomorrow?

hungry on minnehaha

A:

Hello to you too Hungry, 

A simple question deserves a simple response. For you, I will give a short answer, unlike most of my posts. For breakfast you should have any Fiber One Cereal you can get your hands on. Not only are they nutritious and delicious, but if you eat about two spoonfuls you'll have enough fiber to last you till May. But that's an answer you'd come to expect from me, isn't it?

If you don't like Fiber One Cereals, perhaps you'd enjoy the smorgasbord your local truck stop has to offer for $2.99 between the hours of 5 and 8am. That's where I got this great breakfast idea from, so, I will share my signature recipe!

1 lb of hashbrowns

9 egg yolks

.5 c Butter Flavored Crisco

2 cans cream of mushroom soup

2 lbs 80% lean ground beef

4 pancakes

1 box Bisquick

Nacho cheese from the can

3 packages frosted blueberry Pop-Tarts

Salt and Pepper to taste.

Layer hashbrowns, ground beef, soup, pancakes, yolks, and tarts in 9x13 pan. Bake 12 -12 minutes. Remove from oven. Mix Bisquick and add to top. Finish with nacho cheese and dollops of the Crisco. Chill for 2 to 3 hours. Serve Cold.

Feeds 1 - 2 Midwestern Youths.

Enjoy!

Benjamisquick

777.3 When Cougars Attack

777.2 How to Catch an Old Person

Q:

hello hi hello bad bad advice.

this is the best idea you've ever had. I really need some input from you. what should I do to meet my neighbor, she is old and precious, but keeps to herself and only comes outside for the mail. she really needs to be my friend.

your follower,

old lady lover

A:

Thanks for the question, my fellow Old Lady Lover.

For those of you that don't know this already, the question above has targeted on one of my areas of expertise: the elderly. Anything the elderly can do, so can I. Back pain? Have had it. Split pea soup? Love it. Gin rummy? Sign me up. Long Lutheran church services? Let me at the communion wafers. Don't even get me started on how delicious Low Sodium V8 is, or how bad I want to refer to my pants as slacks. My time will come. Seriously though, in two years if I'm not in Trinity Nursing Home in Minot, ND – check my vitals, something must have gone horribly wrong to keep me out of that place – I have goals, and I believe wanting to spend my next 60ish years near the bird atrium is a fine goal to have.

Look at me, I'm carrying on about myself, just like old people!

I am very jealous of your situation, as you can probably tell. The only time an old person gets near my apartment is when Vince Leo pulls into his parking space. If you don't know who Vince Leo is, just know that someday your prince will come. Since it is of the utmost importance we make this elderly woman your friend, follow my advice word for word.

HOW TO CATCH AN OLD PERSON AND MAKE THEM YOUR FRIEND – by Benjamin Kjos

Step 1 – Do not let yourself be seen as a threat by the old person. This means that you need to make yourself seem harmless rather than harmful. For example, when old people are flat out staring at you from their kitchen window, make sure you are doing something conservative – like wearing a turtleneck. And remember, no sudden movements, we don't want any old lungs collapsing on us.

Step 2 – Do not associate with Democrats. This is sometimes referred to as Step 1b, because Democrats are a threat to old people. Old people do not like those hippie lefties. Democrats steal money from old people by helping others with welfare. How dare they! Democrats are heathens. If you are a savage Dem. like I am, I suggest putting one of the old "Bush/Cheney '04" bumper stickers on your car.

Step 3 – Strike up conversation with the postman. Almost every old person knows exactly when to expect their Social Security check. As the old person emerges from their house to make their way to the mailbox, where the postman is putting the check, make your way to the postman as if you have a quick question. WARNING: MAKE SURE YOU HAVE COMPLETED STEPS ONE AND TWO AT THIS POINT. BE DRESSED CONSERVATIVELY. DO NOT RUN QUICKLY TOWARDS THE MAIL CARRIER. MUMBLE SOMETHING ABOUT HOW "OBAMA CAN KEEP THE CHANGE." Everything we will have worked for will go to waste if you do not take great care in each step. If all goes smoothly, the old person will still emerge from his or her house because you do not seem like a threat. After asking the postman an arbitrary question (i.e. are the forever stamps really forever?) bid him good day.

Step 4 – The encounter. With a limp wrist, shake hands. A pivotal moment in my proven process. A handshake too hard can mean a broken wrist for the old person, and a broken heart for you. Caress those liver spots, they are your friend! After introducing yourself (ladies, I suggest you introduce yourself as Mrs. (Husband's First Name) (Husband's Last Name). Even if you're not married. it's safer that way.

Step 5 – Covet thy neighbor. Now that you've earned their trust, break it. Once they've turned around, pick them up, and drag them to your apartment. They will not fight back, they are feeble. If thrashing occurs, poke them in the bald spot – it makes them delirious. 

Step 6 – Prop them up on your couch, and enjoy!

It's fool-proof and guaranteed!

Your elderly badvisor,

Benjamin

777.1 – Grapefruits, Cabbage, Prunes, and Suzanne Somers

Q:

Hi Bad Advice Column -

Since the holidays I've gained a record 18 pounds. I feel awful and I look worse. What's a person to do? I've tried everything and I just need something that works. Any and all advice appreciated!

Fat in Fargo

A:

Hello Fatty!

Erm... that could have come across better. OH WELL. Let's get to it shall we? I see right away that you've already tried everything, but expect me to find something that works? You've tried everything? Everything? I guess there's not much for me to tell you then. You might as well spoon feed yourself the newer Butter Flavored Crisco and call it a day. I know I would! 

Once again though, I'm left to read between the lines. You probably actually haven't tried everything, but you like to exaggerate, like my mother. HI MOM (she'll never read that, moving along). The question I would like the answer to is how many – I'm assuming diets – have you actually tried? I'm going to make some more assumptions here. By holidays, I'm going to guess that encompasses the time starting around Thanksgiving (and my birthday) running to about NYE (that's New Year's Eve to you common folk). My next assumption is that you made it your New Year's resolution to kick the pounds to the curb, and that you started your dieting around January 2nd, 2010. Assumption number.. three or four here... is that "tried everything" means you couldn't easily count how many diets you've done off the top of your head, meaning more than what could fit on one hand. I'll assume you've tried six diets then.

To entertain myself, I'll assume these were the six diets you attempted, Fatty in Fargo:

• The Grapefruit Diet (grapefruits are ishy)

• The Special K Diet (let's be honest, Special K is fricken delicious and you can't diet on something when you can't stop eating it because it reminds you of Special K Bars)

• The Hollywood 48 Hour Miracle Diet (you'd gain weight too if after two days of sucking on a Gatorade sized bottle of orange drink you wake up on hour 49 in a Loaf 'N Jug parking lot devouring large quantities of something called Torpedoes while dipping it in windshield washer fluid)

• Cabbage Soup Diet Plan (LOLZ)

• El Carbo Lo (RIP Doc Atkins)

&

• Something Suzanne Somers wrote about and accompanied with a cookbook for (I'm probably overdoing it with the parentheses)

Now, judging by the date you sent your question in, (dearbad.advice@gmail.com -- I'm plugging the email, it likes it when readers send in questions so there's plenty to choose from!) you "tried everything" for about two months. Two months. I've gone longer without going to the bathroom. Seriously, that's like... 10 days per diet. Have you no backbone!? Even if you take off the two days you sucked on that 48 hour crap, you still were only at 12 days per wrestling match with the scale.

Doozie. That's what this one is.

Because you say "I feel awful and look worse" I'll give you some sound advice. Maybe it's because you're a fellow North Dakotan, maybe it's because I trust you, but I'm going to let you in on my little weight loss secret.

Activia Yogurt.

Yes, yes, Activia. The stuff prescribed in the commercials by one Dr. Jamie Lee Curtis. Since you can stay with a diet for about 10 days, it shouldn't be hard to try mine for a week. Just buy a few of those eight-packs of Activia (I'd suggest Prune) and that's all I want you to eat. Breakfast. Lunch. Dinner. Midnight snack. Munchies. Time-To-Eat-Cause-I'm-Unlovable. Whenever you would eat, just eat the Activia. With its high concentration of the yogurt culture bifidus regularis in your system, by about the fourth day you will literally have excreted one-third of your body weight. One-third. By day seven, your loved ones will put you on an IV drip for nutrients, but damn – it will have been worth it.

Do you have any questions regarding this diet plan? If so, please write to Dr. Jamie Lee Curtis' fan mail address at

 Jamie Lee Curtis
PMK/HBH
700 San Vicente Boulevard
 Suite G 910
West Hollywood, CA 90069

Good luck with everything. I hope you like my tasty little Prune Activia treat! My friends know that when I eat prunes and Activia, I like to call the power combo "Liquid Plumber" – has a nice ring to it, doesn't it? Maybe that's what I should call the diet:

The Liquid Plumber Plan™

Ok? Great! I'm going to go back to my life now: the one where I say I'm doing the Activia Challenge, but in reality it's supposed to end after two weeks, but I just keep eating it.

Your Fellow Jamie Lee Curtis Lover,

Benjamin

7 DAYS, 7 QUESTIONS, 7X THE FUN

After vacation and a brief hiatus, Bad Advice is back!

Starting tomorrow, March 14th, Bad Advice will be back with a new poor soul seeking the advice of someone unqualified to answer it. Running through the 20th, expect a new question answered EVERYDAY.

Want your question answered? Your chances have never been greater.

Email: dearbad.advice@gmail.com

Remember, all submissions are anonymous, so feel free to rock your pen name, alter ego, or "Baby Mama in Minot" signature.

And don't forget, shorter, real questions get better answers than somebody like this:

http://badadvice.posterous.com/you-should-be-ashamed

If you're reading this in full continuity with the column, it's the post right below this one.

THE 7 DAYS, 7 QUESTIONS, 7X THE FUN STARTS TOMORROW. TELL UR FRIENDZ. SRSLY.

Your Badvisor,

Benjamin
xx

Tip: Feed Salad to Cats.